Random Meanderings

Bugger. Just got to the station. Not only am I late for the 6:58 but I should have got here early so I could get photos at the machine for my driving license replacement form (about time I replaced the one Tempest ate). I left the form at home as well, so I couldn't have done anything with it even if I had remembered to leave in time to get the photos… I'm pathetic.

Entries for everyone today.

Have a design I quite like for techblog now (still haven't finished the coding though), Vox is moving along nicely now I've decided on a topic and I always have plenty of random drivel for here.

Look at me! I have 3 blogs and they all link together. Am I an attention seeking self important karma whore? Probably. Don't care.

Almost too crowded on the train to write this morning. At least everything's running approximately on time this morning though. That'll come back to haunt me.

Flying visit from Louise yesterday. Got home busting for the loo, said a quick hello, dashed upstairs and when I got back she was gone.

Without music yet again. Really need to try and remember to charge up the mp3 player today. Probably about time to change the mix too.

Hint for GMP32005 owners (if anyone else was stupid enough): If your player won't recognise the music directory even though its there and full of files, reformat the device from your pc. When you fire up the player it will recreate the needed directories and you'll be able to put music on it again. Wasted too many hours figuring out that one…

Bloody cold this morning. Need to find my hat.

Game recommendation: Canis Canem Edit (Bully in the US). Think GTA in a boarding school or Scum without the potting shed. Pay back the bullies and jocks. Help teachers hide their alcohol problem from the headmaster. Classic.

Haven't used any of my skateboards in months. Need to get back in the saddle so to speak. Although if morning frost is setting in it might be best to leave it for a while. Need to find my bearing cleaning materials. Need new shoes, these ones are mostly ok for walking. A couple of days of foot braking would probably kill them though.

Announcement just mentioned that you need a first class ticket to sit in the first class compartment. Does that mean you could stand in there without one?

Coldest morning we've had for a while but no snow. What happens? The trains are screwed. Big time.

Started at St Albans. Got to the station just in time; no time for a coffee, but enough time to cross to platform 3 for the 6:58 without having to run for it. Or so I thought. Check the boards: 06:58 cancelled. Announcement: Apologies for the three short notice cancellations due to technical faults. Oh well, at least the 7:04 is marked as on time. Masses of people on the platform. I started at the front, had to walk the full length of the train to squeeze into a carriage. Got to West Hampstead dead on 7:23 — which is when my connection is due to leave at the silverlink station a hundred metres up the road.

West Hampstead Silverlink. 7:38 finally pulls in at about 7:45. Get to Willesden Junction: "Sorry for the delay. There is an electrical fault on the train and a technician is investigating". Ten minutes later we are on the move again. Sighs of relief around me but not I. I've danced this dance before. We'll get as far as Gunnersbury then they'll turf us out. As it is written, so is it done. Only have to wait about 5 minutes for a district line train to take us the rest of the way to Richmond.

Richmond at 08:35, 08:36 departs at 08:37. As usual Southwest trains is the most efficient part of my journey.

Will probably be about half an hour late. Not too bad considering the number of delays / cancellations today. Not exactly a shining beacon to tempt people to train travel either though.

This train may be the closest to running on time but that doesn't excuse the fact that it smells like shit. Someone didn't flush and of course we can't open the windows; we just have to wait while the air-conditioning recycles the stench gradually absorbing the smell into its filters. It will probably be barely noticable by the time the train reaches Reading. No such luck for those of us getting off sooner though.

Another break from the blog with plenty going on. Had my second meeting with the trick cyclist. "Did you phone up to make this appointment?" "No, I got a letter through the post". Not a good start. He then spent about 15 minutes looking through my mood journal and asked me a few questions. The conclusion: I'm a drama queen and shouldn't be wasting their time. I should go back to the GP and keep taking the happy pills until I can snap out of it.

On the positive front: I went along to the St Albans Beekeeping Association meeting and enjoyed it. I've going to sign up as a member and put my name down for their beginners course in Feb. See this vox post for more info.

Nasty cold has kept me away from work for the last couple of days. Still not 100%. Very drained. Also a little light headed but thats probably because I forgot my medication again this morning. Train is crowded so I've been standing the whole way so far.

So I'm sitting in the waiting room waiting for my turn with the psychiatrist. Not sure what to expect again. Last time was the psychiatrist and a social worker, I guess to save time if I need sectioning. This time its just the doctor. Will probably involve going through the assessment which arrived yesterday. I misheard him last time and went to the Mind Gym instead of the Mood Gym. I currently have a differential diagnosis — recurrent depressive disorder or cyclothymia. Not sure if today will be trying to narrow that diagnosis down or something else. My time is up and no sign. Drop in my stomach again. He hasn't forgotten me. He's not doing this on purpose. He's busy; they get a lot of crazy people through here. Starting to feel a little dizzy too. Probably because I took my medication late today because I had a lay in. Quick scrub up this morning after the "unkempt beard" comment in the assessment. Not sure why; its in my best interest to show how I am every day rather than putting on a front. Shrug. Amazing how long five minutes last when you're waiting for something. I was in there for well over an hour last time, if he had a 10:30 then I caused this wait to someone else…

Missed the Richmond train at West Hampstead due to a late connection. Got the Clapham train to Willesden instead so I can wait under cover. I'm glad I did.

Just across the way is a massive pile of junk. There are three guys in lifters (look kinda like those grabber things at the amusement arcade). They seem to just be picking up junk from the ground at the edges and dumping it higher up towards the middle like making a sand castle out of old filing cabinets and bathtubs. Kinda fun to watch; almost hypnotic.

On closer inspection they are more organised than I initially thought. The first guy is picking stuff up at ground level and dropping it about a third of the way up. A truck just came and replenished his ground level stores. The next guy picks up from the first guy's leavings and drops higher up for the last guy who drops on the top. Maybe I should get a few workmen with cranes rather than bee hives? ;)

Been avoiding the blog for a while. It was all starting to look good a couple of weeks ago. And then the crash. 3 hours in tears over a report full of misrepresented information, inaccuracies and just enough truth to be scary. A lot of money overdue. Tempest's epilepsy getting worse. A hard choice. The right one, but still hard. Goodbye Bob.

GP has me back on the Cipralex. Larger dose this time. Seen the CMHT. I assume she was an ASW and if I'd been clearly barking they would have sectioned me right then and there. Some relief in that I guess. First time my depression has kept me off work (or is it? a day or two here through avoidance? Never 2 weeks on a doctor's note though)

Anxious, paranoid, antisocial, afraid empty.

This is me.

So I'm trying to get myself feeling more upbeat and mostly succeeding.

Listening to the Bipolar Advantage podcast today; a good suggestion for a simple thing that can be done that can help keep the bipolar working for you rather than against you: introspection.

I can't see how this technique can be bad for me even if I'm not bipolar so I'm going to give it a try.

Need to think of 5-10 questions to ask myself every day. The idea is that if there's something you want to do another way you ask yourself if you've done it right today. Be honest if you've done it wrong. Your subconscious will realise that if you do it wrong you're gonna have to 'fess up so will help you avoid doing the wrong thing to avoid embarassment. Want to relisten to the podcast first to make sure I've remembered things correctly.

Am very hungry at the mo. Can't get hold of Charlotte at the mo. She may be going town to see Louise tonight. If she does then I could get something on the way home. If not then I'll need to cook when I get back anyway so I might as well wait to eat.

Thoughts getting ahead of me again. Need to take a break.

Gotta write about the dodgy PA system here in Richmond first though. Don't know why but frequently the PA system on platform 4, which is where I am now, seems to play random phrases from its voice bank. Just now we had: "sixteen, sixteeen, sixteen, southampton central, south… hobbleton… a trolley service". Its been doing this for months. Is it hard to fix or can they not be bothered? Or do they realise that its actually quite amusing and relieves some of the stress involved in using this service?

I want a video iPod just so I could play hardcore porn and see how long it takes some nosey parker to get offended. Serve them right for looking over my shoulder.

Want to fill up a whole page writing the word "fuck" for the same reason.

Need a new pair of shoes, sole has gone on these ones and I have no grip in the wet. Makes footbreaking interesting.

Want to go straight down Egham hill without breaking on my fastest board to see if I can make it around the roundabout at the bottom while going 40+mph.

Want a pencil sharpener. All my pencils are blunt.

Black clouds pass overhead. Pearly white next to my soul. I don't care. Sometimes I say that I hate myself, but I don't. I just hate feeling different but at the same time I rejoice in my individuality.

I have about 20 pencils in my bag and nearly all of them are blunt. I really need to invest the 20p required for a pencil sharpener. Can you buy a pencil sharpener for 20p? Probably not. Do they still do those dodgy plastic ones that will break if you push the pencil in too hard while sharpening?

The pages are out of order in this entry and I don't care. Yesterday writing in the wrong order inspired frustration and anger. Today nothing. Perhaps just a touch of amusement.

Train is getting busier. Still a couple of seats left, but probably only for a couple of stations.

Wonder how long you could live on a train? If you took along provisions would you be able to ride from one end of the line to the other all day? Do they swap them out, rotate them during the day or just overnight? Does this line run overnight? No. I remember looking at the timetable. When I was getting the 6:38 from St Albans I was on one of the first trains through West Hampstead.

Want to go to the bookshop and spend. Need to resist.

What would I buy? New Discworld, Last of the Wilds, couple of Neil Gaiman books I don't have, anything with a recommended tag next to it. Cool sci-fi classics reprints with curved corners (is that so you're allowed to bring them into a mental hospital?)

What do I want for dinner?

Something fiery. Get some meat, fresh chillies, tomatoes, cumin; already have chilli powder, turmeric, garam masala.

Fry the whole cumin and maybe some black mustard seeds in a couple of tablespoons of vegetable ghee until they start to pop.

Add the meat and fry until browned.

Add chopped fresh chillies, two teaspoons of chilli powder, two tsp of turmeric, one of garam masala, one of salt. Stir and don't leave too long — chilli will burn and choking fumes will fill the kitchen. Add a tin of chopped tomatoes, juice and all. Stir again and simmer for 15-20 mins. Cook some rice, maybe do a couple of chapattis. Even more hungry now.

Urge to buy strange polish meat products from the 24 hour convenience store across the road from West Hampstead Thameslink. The smoked pork belly strips were pretty good. Only seen it in there the once though.

Need to get more rice and soy sauce for lunch at work before the money runs out.

Only a couple more stations to go before temptation. I will resist… Keep telling myself… I must resist…

Sigh. So I spent an hour or so fiddling with my mp3 player getting a new 2Gb playlist transferred. Unmounted everything properly so that there was no file corruption risk. Unplug the USB and turn the power on.

No music files.

I have no idea what has gone wrong but whatever it is it has left me without music this evening and potentially Monday morning too depending on what mp3 files I can find laying around on hard disks at home.

So I'm splitting the site. The tone of the average post here isn't exactly condusive to keeping visitors that have found their way here from one of my infrequent tech posts.

I've created TechBlog for my networking / sysadmin / development / metablog posts. The run of the mill random obscenity will stay here. I want to use my vox more but not really sure what for. Need to do some sort of standardised layout for the MT blogs for easy switching between them.