Random Meanderings

So what is bipolar disorder? Also known as Manic Depression, bipolar disorder is a condition leading to a persons mental state swinging between depression and mania. Everyone's brain is different, so there are a range of different classifications of bipolar disorder. In the past I had heard of manic depression but only associated it with what is generally known clinically as Bipolar I nowadays. Bipolar I is the most extreme form of bipolar disorder, and is usually diagnosed due to the sufferer experiencing manic episodes that completely prohibit their place in society; quite often leading to them being sectioned (if they are lucky, a lot of manic depressives end up committing suicide). Symptoms of Mania can include delusions, hallucinations, lack of sleep, hyperactivity, overconfidence and general disinhibition. I have never had an episode with these symptoms and so had never really considered that I might have this condition. There are other classifications of Bipolar disorder though and it is reading up on these that has raised so many questions with me.

Starting with one I've mentioned before: Cyclothymia (apparently called Bipolar Lite by some in the states) is at the lower end of the scale and generally involved periods of depression mixed with periods of hypomania.

So what's hypomania? Just as depression ranges from mild melancholy to world crushing despair, mania can also vary in strength. Hypomania is the term for when the symptoms of disinhibition are notably different from normal behaviour but not to the extent that the ability to function in everyday life is impaired. Symptoms include uncontrolled spending, irritability, burst of creativity, lack of concentration, reduced need for sleep, neglecting commitments because there is something more interesting to do. Suddenly this isn't sounding like someone else's problem. This is me!

A little aside. Last night I was sitting on the train obsessively consuming Sudoku. I looked up from the book to see which stop I was at: Hampstead Heath. Two stations past my stop at West Hampstead. My first thought should have been "bugger, I've missed my stop. I'll need to get off here and get the first train back". Instead it was "Oooh, this is new. I wonder where I'll end up if I stay on…" I had to push pretty hard to get enough control to get off at the next stop and turn around.

So I can see with hindsight that I have had episodes that I would class as hypomania in th epast, so do I suffer from cyclothymia?

I would say that my down times are worse than that. I've never seriously considered suicide, but I did cut myself regularly for several years when I was down, and I draw everything in so tight I can't really function socially.

My current self diagnosis is that I may suffer from Bipolar II disorder.

I am off to see the GP tomorrow to talk about this and to see if I can get a referral to see a psychiatrist.

I have to come to terms with the fact that I have a condition that won't go away if I just "pull myself together".

Medication alone is not working for me at the moment. I can't seem to stay on it. Had to stop the sertraline because it made me shit myself. The escitalopram didn't seem to do much. Looking back now though I have to wonder. It was soon after moving to the escitalopram that I started skateboarding again. At the time it was a full on driving obsession; I ate, slept and breathed skating; could that have been a hypomania episode triggered by the chemical suppression of the depression?

When I last came off the escitalopram I was feeling confident that I could kick the depression myself, that I didn't need anyone's help. I'd put the previous lapse in medication down to the apathy I feel when I'm down. That isn't it at the moment though. Its not that I can't be bothered, its that I don't feel I need it, even though my logical side can see that I do. I just can't seem to get my logical side to take control, the impulsive side pushes it out of the way. I don't know what I need to get myself back in control, but I need something.

So. I'm off to see the wizard…